Saturday, October 10, 2009

Jesica. 6.4.76 - 10.9.09

Yesterday at approximately 3pm, Jesica breathed her last breath.

Her long hard fought battle with ovarian cancer is over.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

It's time ...

to start facing forward and making some really hard decisions. The doctor said yesterday that she "doesn't think I have much more than 6 months."

We're going to do another round of the Gemzar next Friday and see if the side-effects are any easier. If all the really bad side-effects were from the other pain, I may feel better this time now that the pain patch is evened out.

There still isn't a whole lot of hope that the Gemzar will work. We've gone through all the different drugs that should have worked. They didn't. Now we're - as the doctor said - "grasping at straws."

My MAIN goal in all of this is to not spend the next 6 months sick, asleep, miserable, and useless. I'd rather my children lose their mom NOW than have those sorts of memories.

I don't want to let God down and start acting like an idiot now - so I'm praying that I can continue to glorify His Name and make Him the focus of all that happens.

We're not making any hard-core decisions just yet - I want to see how the next chemo goes. My doc has calls into MD Anderson - the TOP hospital for ovarian cancer to see if they know anything new. There MIGHT still be a little hope.

That being said ... I've requested information from SCCA about the Death with Dignity Act. I want to know what ALL my options are - and this is one of them. They'll be sending me paperwork or whatever. It's not something that can happen overnight, so don't go freaking out on me just yet. I just really need to feel like I have SOME control over what's happening, and this is one way to be in control.

I love you all. So much. I can't express how thankful I am for all the prayers and support and comfort you've given me over the years. There just aren't words big enough.

But I'm going to ask that you please NOT call. Please don't text or email or leave messages. I just can't cope with it right now. I need to get it all sorted out in MY head before I can discuss it with anyone else, and right now I don't want to discuss it with ANYONE at all. (Including me)

If you have questions - and you know Nyla - call her, please. She knows all about everything that happens with my health care, so she will be able to fill you in on details I missed.

My Mommy is coming on Sunday (for something else all together) and I'm sure I'll want to be spending time with her. The kids are doing the first week of school thing - so I need to be present for that. Steve has a long weekend, and I really just want to hold his hand.

I'm going to take some time off. I hope that you can understand and respect that. Just for a little while ... you KNOW I'll be back. :)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Sinking in

Sorry I haven't blogged in so long. I wanted to make sure everyone got a chance to read the last post, and then everyone reacted so strongly that I needed some time with just my family. We needed time together to let it absorb and become our new normal and explore what we're going to do with it. Knowing that you all do it out of love - you all try to 'fix' it or make it better - and that was so not what I needed the last two weeks. I needed to face reality and cope.

We also had another family health issue come up, so my uncle has been staying with us while he recovers from and adjusts to some serious kidney problems.

Plus, I've been asleep. The new pain meds they gave me are super strong and they knock me out. Without warning. Leaving my kids are unsupervised. SO not cool!

I've also done two chemo treatments. I figured I might as well do them while I waited for my doctor to get back in town. This chemo is ROUGH. I've been more sick and more sore with this than with any other chemo I've done.

Just because I didn't want to get bored - it's also back-to-school time. Nyla had to come over and take the paperwork in for me. I'm not allowed to drive anymore and Steve doesn't get off work until everything is closed. Thankfully, Nyla stepped in, and we got them registered just in time. BigSister starts 6th grade tomorrow. BoyChild starts Kindergarten on Thursday. We JUST found that out this afternoon - after getting the run around about the K class being full and having to find a place for him. The school they put him in doesn't start til Thursday. Grrr! Daddy is going to tell him after work - because Mommy is way too much of a wuss.

Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. I believe we will be discussing whether or not there are any more options and if any of them are going to work for me. Considering they've already said things like 'making me comfortable' and 'getting my affairs in order' - we're not walking in feeling very optimistic.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

It's bad news

I blogged on Tuesday that I was having pain in my abdomen again. By Tuesday night it had gotten bad enough that I was taking my super-duper pain pills.

Wednesday it was worse. Then I started vomiting. I didn't keep anything down all day. We discussed going to the ER, but I had a chemo appointment the next morning anyway, so we didn't.

Thursday morning we headed into SCCA. Got my labs drawn. Headed up to my doctor's floor and talked to the chemo coordinator. Told her about the symptoms I was having and how I was feeling and how I knew it was the tumor coming back.

She said she'd get ahold of my doctor, and sent me up to chemo. Went through the whole story with the chemo nurse as she was taking my vitals. Then my lab work came in.

Labs were BAD. Red cells were low. Protein was high. I wasn't going to be able to get chemo anyway. But I was going to need a blood transfusion. And we were still waiting for the doc to call back.

I ended up having a CT scan and hydration and the blood transfusion. Needed to come back Friday to get more blood and CT results.

The results are - the tumors that were already there have all grown. There's a new one that's already 6cm x 11cm. It's pressing against my colon and pelvis and causing a LOT of pain.

There's one more chemo they want to try. It generally isn't one of the best ones as far as results, but it's an option. The doctor says that "it's probably time for me to get my affairs in order." and "they would totally understand if I chose to not do this chemo."

They've changed around my pain meds. I now have a 3 day patch plus the dilaudid. They'll be setting up an appointment for me with Palliative Care.

So that's the update. I wish it was a happier one, but it's all I've got.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Not having fun

  • I feel like I'm giving up hope. I find myself planning for when I die. When - not if. It's disconcerting, to say the least. I hope that it's just a weird phase and it goes away soon.
  • There's a pain in my abdomen again. That is never good. It's considerably worse today than it was yesterday, which scares me.
  • My back is still screwed up. I wish I could go to the chiropractor. I'm tired of being in pain.
  • The muscle aches from chemo have started. My legs ache all the time. It's dumb - it's not like I'm up doing anything. Like ... ever.
  • My kids keep getting naughtier and I KNOW it's because they're not getting enough attention and Mommy doesn't have the energy to fix it. :(
  • Steve running for congress is something I'm both proud of and frustrated by, and I'm not sure what to do about that.
  • My teeth keep getting worse. Which is to be expected when you're on chemo, but I wish it wasn't. I so do not need any more aches and pains right now.
  • The Acappella concert was AWESOME! I was so blessed by it. I wish they came every week. :)
  • My friends are wonderful! I wish they came to visit more often. I should invite them more often, I guess.
  • School starts soon and my kids aren't registered. I suck.
  • We're trying to force LittleSister into potty training and it is NOT working.
  • My baby boy starts kindergarten soon and I am not ok with that.

.... Welcome to my brain. That's just a sampling of the noises rambling around in my head.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Cash and Prizes!!

Ok ... no cash. But I've been getting lots of prizes lately.

I follow Meaghan's blog. I started following it because I liked the name, then stuck around because she's amazing. She finished law school while fighting cancer. Awesome!!

A while back she started a really cool non-profit - Spirit Jump. So I've been following that, too. She's offered to have me featured a couple times and I turned her down, since I have a super support system here at home. The third time she asked I tried to turn her down again, but she said that several people had nominated me and really wanted to "jump" me - so I gave in.

HOLY COW!

I've been getting cards every day for a couple weeks. People have sent presents, too! A new praise and worship CD, a hand painted angel tile, angel ornaments, coffee mugs with tea to put in them ... all kinds of cool stuff! I've even gotten a few little prizes for the kids - which they love.

I can't believe how sweet and giving the Spirit Jumpers are! I wanted to take this time to thank every single person who has sent a card or a gift or an email or just a prayer to our Father on my behalf. It's been such a blessing for me. Thank you so much!

Friday, July 31, 2009

Tasty ... but odd

I haven't done a cooking post in a long time - I figured I was due. Of course I had to pick a day when I made something strange.

My son LOVES corn dogs. It's kinda ridiculous how much he loves them. I don't buy them often because they are pricey and he eats them two at a time and the box takes up too much room in my freezer and they're junk.

Today I had a weird idea and decided to act on it. It went a little something like this ...

  • Mix up some boxed cornbread.
  • Put it in a pan.
  • Cut up some hot dogs.
  • Put hot dog pieces on top of cornbread.


  • Bake according to box directions.

  • Serve to the children who are giving you weird looks.


I put the plate in front of BoyChild and he said "It does NOT look like a corn dog!" I asked him what it tasted like, and he answered, "It tastes like corn dogs!!"

He now thinks I'm SuperMommy. YAY ME!

  • Bonus! Boxed cornbread is like 30 cents and hot dogs are super-cheap, so this was a great deal and they loved it. Win-Win!